Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
