saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
