Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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