i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
