Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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