You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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