Well douche your snatch and let's go!
someone threw a dead crab at me
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Randomize