three words: i give head
three words: not that well
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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