I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
