I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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