I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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