I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
