Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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