My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
