Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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