if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
