Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize