How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
