I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
