Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize
