So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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