I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
