she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
i've created a new STD.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
