Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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