i don't like sucking hair
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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