Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
