I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
