honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I am available for nakedness
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
