Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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