I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Randomize
