I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
