you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
you win again, gameday.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
