hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
