"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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