Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
