I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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