I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
