You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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