i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
