I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You're a waste of cheezeits
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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