I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
