Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
