Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
