Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
