Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
