I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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