To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
