mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
My bed smells like the plague
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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