Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
