Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
