Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
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