I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Enjoy the penises
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
