Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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